Threat 8/10

Generated, not born. Six fingers on a bad day.

Threat 2/10

Has one job, which is holding the rope, and he keeps letting go to sip his espresso. Still gets the biggest cheer from the crowd every time.

Threat 2/10

Has operated the Ocean City carousel since 1987 and refuses to let anyone else pick the music. Keeps his espresso cup in the lead horse's saddlebag.

Threat 7/10

Has never played the sport. Blows the whistle on everyone’s expense reports anyway.

Threat 6/10

Hard hat says TOM BUILDS STUFF. Has built nothing. The drill is not plugged in.

Threat 3/10

Has been "almost out" of the corn maze since Tuesday. Insists the tiny espresso cup is a compass and has never once checked the map right side up.

Threat 3/10

Only works the night shift, and only for the free pizza. Refuses to drink anything but espresso from his tiny white cup.

Threat 5/10

Bought the World’s Best Dad mug himself. Tells the same joke every Thanksgiving.

Threat 3/10

Has never once attracted a duck. Insists his decoy, Gerald, is doing fine and is very well-liked.

Threat 2/10

Insists his desk lamp is a festival-of-lights display worthy of the whole floor. Has lit it every evening this week and says the office should take notes.

Threat 8/10

The afro is load-bearing. Last seen doing the Hustle at a quarterly review.

Threat 4/10

Gets an extra hour every November and spends it on crab rangoons. Has been caught resetting the break room clock to Old Bay time.

Threat 4/10

Has never won the league and has never once read the rulebook. Still sends a 40-page trade-deadline memo to everyone's inbox at 2 a.m.

Threat 9/10

Rush chair of Beta Kappa Thighs. Has been a “fifth-year senior” for 27 years. The fanny pack holds a calculator.

Threat 2/10

Insists he's only minding the leftover candy bowl. Has been seen eating the Reese's cups out of it, one at a time, with his tiny espresso cup close by.

Threat 8/10

Shops the farmers market for real-life health potions. Rage-quit the zucchini stand when it wouldn’t respawn.

Threat 3/10

Has been dead for at least forty minutes and still insists on the team's Tuesday pizza budget. Hovers over the crab pot, lets the chicken necks go, and never reports the tiny espresso cup he keeps floating.

Threat 9/10

Hiding in plain sight at the county fair. Ketchup in one hand, mustard in the other — refuses to choose.

Threat 3/10

Has rescued exactly one inflatable flamingo, but has the whistle. Blows it at anyone who looks like they might run near the pool.

Threat 3/10

Arrived at the Diwali party with the biggest box of mithai in the building. Has been standing by the snack table ever since, "just guarding it."

Threat 2/10

Wrapped himself in 40 feet of office Ethernet cable and still got to the break room first. Has been asking everyone to "unwrap" the free pizza since 9 a.m.

Threat 10/10

Silent. Deadly. Glasses fully visible. Cover blown by the tiny coffee cup every time.

Threat 4/10

Has shucked forty dozen oysters with a butter knife and a smile. Still can't open the office Keurig pod drawer.

Threat 4/10

Claims he invented the "soft kitchen" serve. Keeps his tiny espresso cup on the bench and reminds everyone the net is exactly 34 inches high.

Threat 3/10

Has never baked a pie in his life. Still scored the pecan entry a perfect 10 and insists the judging was blind.

Threat 3/10

Has never once gotten a pumpkin to stay on the stem. Insists the tiny white espresso cup is an autumn-spiced latte in disguise.

Threat 7/10

Wig from Party City, shirt from Target. Cannot name a single Led Zeppelin song.

Threat 9/10

Shaken, not stirred. Licensed to file quarterly estimates.

Threat 10/10

Captain. Number 10. Has never once passed the ball. The thighs did all the scouting.

Threat 10/10

The Saint Paul Variant. Known to offer unsolicited accounting advice.

Threat 3/10

Has never once arrived at kickoff on time. Has brought enough Old Bay to season the entire parking lot and will happily share it.

Threat 10/10

Sent back to 1984 to stop the real Tom from learning WordStar. Answers two phones at once. Has not hung up since.

Threat 6/10

Blends in on vacation by wearing every vacation at once. Still answering work email.